16 March 2009

Stairway at Carmel

Stairway at Carmel, originally uploaded by franciscophile.

Many people cross our paths throughout our lives, and most often they are seen in our minds eye like this photo, a door that keeps us at bay. I am sure I am often seen this way myself and I suddenly do not like that much.

For some of us, keeping ourselves locked away from the rest of the world is what protects us. We sometimes open a window and let some fresh air in but we never ever leave our door open.

I hate that.

I would love to change who I am emotionally and leave my front door wide open but I am afraid that once inside the house you will not like what you find. I am not like 99.99 percent of the folks who walk this planet, of this I am sure. And I want to be just like you all, normal and sane.

I am different and my difference is not an enhancement it is a detriment. I hear this time and again. But I do try to fit in, I always have and the more I try the worse I feel inside.

How am I different from others? I cry too much, way too much from what I am told. And I let what others say and do affect me too much. I have no thick skin at all, I am an emotional wreck and I have no clue why.

I am timid, scared of all change. I am scared to try, to step out. I feel abandoned and alone most of each day even when around people.

And I can not cook to save my life, tho I wish I could.

But I have good things about me - I love color; all color. I love to paint, draw and bead. To me bringing something I create to life is such a joy. I am not so great sometimes but creating makes me feel happy.

I love babies :-) and I love to just sit and rock babies to sleep.

I love to garden, the act of planting and caring and seeing growth and beauty makes me feel as if I have taken part in life.

And I think I am a good friend, I try very hard to be. Friends were not always in my life until recently, it was just easier to not be with others because I always ended up hearing how they disliked me for many reasons.

I am not this closed door in my heart, in my heart I am an open door and a welcome smile and hug. I just wish others could see that.


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